I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
