Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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