no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Hippo gnu deer
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
