Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
