3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
