It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
