I think I died a long time ago.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
