Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
