my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
another moral hangover. fuck.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
