how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I need to calm my uterus...
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
