It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
