i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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