She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
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