Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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