Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Randomize
