I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
