If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
