the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
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