The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
