oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
