okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
