I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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