I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
