life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
