OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Ladies don't puke and tell
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
