You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
