Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
