i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
