I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
40s are totally the cure
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
