Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
