Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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