Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Randomize
