Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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