i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
