You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Randomize
