You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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