Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
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