and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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