He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
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