she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
