the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
