I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
