nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
