i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
