Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
