I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
i think i just lost a toe
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
