She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
