Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
