never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
So apparently I’m into choking now
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
