i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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