stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
