guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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