i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
